Module Example Version 2.01
Working with the previous feedback, I submitted my next submission on the 24th of July, 2009.
You can download it here.
You can download it here.
Feedback
"I think you were very careful to adhere to the letter of the previous feedback, but forgot to recheck the submission for the "fun factor." The module is much shorter and better organized now, but it's lost some character voice, which is something our writers here always need to be careful about when tightening. You completely removed the man dropping dead at the beginning, for example, which was a big part of the hook of what made the mod stand out, rather than address that the player should have a chance to comment on it.
I suggest you go back through and think of this as an E3 demo which is out to convince the player to buy this game. Ask whether you've provided interesting player responses which make the player feel engaged and empowered in the story, and whether your NPC lines stand out as distinctive and interesting lines for actors to say.
I felt that the addition of the background narration made you pull back from making an in-dialogue hook at the beginning of the mod. Instead of characters trying to sell the quest to me, they assumed I was already there for the purpose of killing a monster. Since you won't have that luxury when really writing our games, I'd like you to work in the "why I should take this quest" part of the dialogue into the opening Sularin converstion -- make it long enough for me to get my bearings and understand what I'm agreeing to. All paths through should end with me knowing that
The first time I played this through, I felt like the quest didn't really begin until the Nyphesne/Doppelganger conversation. Since I didn't really understand why I was there, I felt like my play experience was accidentally killing Nymphesne or the Doppelganger, then seeing the consequences, as opposed to making an informed decision of who to side with. Since that's the major decision, you want to make sure the player is situated enough that he doesn't make it by accident.
By the time I reach the decision point, I should understand:
This makes a clear light-side/dark-side choide (guess which game I write!), which will be fun for players to make.
Overall, this last rewrite was about structure and tightening; this time, you can loosen up on the word count restrictions (though don't go crazy with it), and really try for the most fun the player can have."
I suggest you go back through and think of this as an E3 demo which is out to convince the player to buy this game. Ask whether you've provided interesting player responses which make the player feel engaged and empowered in the story, and whether your NPC lines stand out as distinctive and interesting lines for actors to say.
I felt that the addition of the background narration made you pull back from making an in-dialogue hook at the beginning of the mod. Instead of characters trying to sell the quest to me, they assumed I was already there for the purpose of killing a monster. Since you won't have that luxury when really writing our games, I'd like you to work in the "why I should take this quest" part of the dialogue into the opening Sularin converstion -- make it long enough for me to get my bearings and understand what I'm agreeing to. All paths through should end with me knowing that
- there is a monster threatening this village.
- the monster has made off with Nyphesnae
- Nyphesnae is the mother of the children taking refuge there
- Sularin isn't playing completely straight with me
The first time I played this through, I felt like the quest didn't really begin until the Nyphesne/Doppelganger conversation. Since I didn't really understand why I was there, I felt like my play experience was accidentally killing Nymphesne or the Doppelganger, then seeing the consequences, as opposed to making an informed decision of who to side with. Since that's the major decision, you want to make sure the player is situated enough that he doesn't make it by accident.
By the time I reach the decision point, I should understand:
- Nyphesnae is possessed by the doppelganger
- the doppelganger is offering me a deal if I agree to feed the children to her
- Nyphesnae can't offer me anything to take her side
This makes a clear light-side/dark-side choide (guess which game I write!), which will be fun for players to make.
Overall, this last rewrite was about structure and tightening; this time, you can loosen up on the word count restrictions (though don't go crazy with it), and really try for the most fun the player can have."
